Sunday, April 29, 2012

A Box of "Cocks" and Duct Tape

We had company over, like we do every other Sunday evening. There were, in fact 9 adults in the room at the moment my son D. and his friend M. got home from church youth group tonight. They marched into the room carrying a box grinning and announced to all their findings. At first I didn't see anything wrong with what they said, all I really heard was "duct tape" until I saw my friend H. to my left melting into her chair. She was shaking wtih laughter tears pouring down her face.

I wasn't sure quite what was so funny so I waited until my mother-in-law left from dropping the boys off to ask, "What did they say they found?"

Almost in tears she answered "Caulk and duct tape"

"Oh," I said. Then a minute later it hit me what it had sounded like my thirteen year old had found while at church. A box of cocks and duct tape!! My husband called him back up stairs realizing the same thing at the same time I did. Who finds cocks in a box outside the church?! That is hilarious.

"Hey D.," he said grinning, "how many cocks did you find at the church?"

"Nine or Ten," D. answered not quite catching on yet that his dad had said cock instead of caulk.

"Did you let the minister know you found them?" I asked.

"Yeah," D. answered, "We offered our caulks to the minister but he didn't want them."

At this point M. understood why we were all the adults in the room were giggling like small children and he began choking on his food and began to laugh as well. When he laughed D. got it too and they both laughed really hard. The look on the faces of those adolescent boys when they realized what it had sounded like they had been talking about all night was PRICELESS!

Turns out they found the caulk and duct tape abandoned and half buried in a creek bed behind the church. I didn't want to know or bother to ask what they were doing there. I figure it must have something to do with why D. likes youth group so much. That and the fact that he met his girlfriend there.

"Probably was construction worker cocks," someone cried out (more mass giggling in the room).

M. announced to the room, "Just so you all know we are organ donors," then the boys exited the room still laughing and went downstairs to play XBOX.

I now have this incredibly strong urge to go to Home Depot and ask them how many different brands of "cock" they sell. I also want to stand in the caulk aisle and announce loudly to the world "I am in the cock aisle." I wonder how many stores I can get away with that in before someone catches on?

To make it worse, M.'s mom is remodeling her home and her husband is in Pakistan - we had to bite our tongue to keep from offering to send some "cock" home for her.

Believe it or not we were NOT drinking - our minds just really work that way. (Sigh) I love my friends!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

How it Really Works......

My friend L. was over a couple of weeks ago and she wanted to watch this television show called "My Strange Addiction". I have to say the show has stuck with me all this time later, I am still thinking about it.

In the show there was a man who had an intimate sexual relationship with his car. Seriously, he was tongue kissing the front grill and grinding up on the side of it and everything. I know everyone is different and people all have their quirks and we all need to be accepting and understanding but even I think that this one is a little bit weird. I guess I would say to him what I say to all my friends no matter who or what they are dating - just don't make out with your __________ in front of my kids, and as long as you have love I am happy for you.

My friend who is quite a bit more innocent than I am and quite a bit more easily offended was cringing and freaking out at the guy's antics. I looked over at her and couldn't resist a little bit of a tease trying to get a rise out of her so I said, "Oh COME ON NOW, how do you think Transformers really got made? Seriously, L.!"

She laughed and was about to reply when my daughter - who had also been watching the show and not listening to her iPod as it had appeared - piped up, "No mommy you are wrong, that is a boy car they are in a homosexual relationship, they would have had to adopt a transformer man car baby from a heterosexual coupling."

OMG!!!!!! WHAT? LMAO. L. at this point has turned beet red and I am not sure if she is going to laugh or is incredibly embarrassed so I let it go and we just keep watching till it occurs to me that there might have been dead bugs or bird poop on the grill he was french kissing and licking......

I wonder if he thinks the car is talking to him through whatever comes on the radio? When it plays advertisements does he think it is hinting to him about dates it would like to go on?

Then later, when everyone had gone to bed, I had to ask my husband, "Do you think he sees used car lots as brothels?"

Yes, dear friends, that is how my twisted mind works!

Sorry I haven't posted in so long - I have been out sick. I have also been incredibly busy working on finishing up my degree (graduate in June) and working in 2 different undergraduate labs (oh the stories I could and probably will tell!) I am feeling much much much better now and am back to amuse you hopefully on a more regular basis.